I had a dream there was a horse, a tiger and a goat in my neighborhood and the horse was trying t eat me so I had to run from the horse and I was scared
half of me wants to talk about a boy band, wear tiaras, watch princess movies, color and go on carefree black girl missions to petting zoos and dress shops
the other half wants to discuss radical politics, read books on feminism, date an older man and start a career
if anyone cares I can now finally swim without a flotation device
yo but what if I became an au pair in Italy
I can already hear my daddy’s mouth
“YOU DROP OUT OF COLLEGE TO BE A FUCKING NANNY OVER IN EUROPE! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND!”
it’s a good thing I’m 19 and I can legally do what I want
I mean not harm in just looking into it right?
it’s not like it’s a lot of job opportunities for me here anyways with or without a job
plus I’ll be the envy of all my straight A college friends
here go my parents in the mid 90’s
so yeah
Happy Father’s Day to my daddy Horace
little know fact if I was a boy my name would have been Horace the 4th
also this nigga get on my last motherfucking goddamn nerves
but this still my dad doe
today I saw a Desi family dressed up at Chipolte and the women wearing the most gorgeous saris ever and I was just like
and they pretty much looked at me like I lost my damn mind
like I feel bad because they just tryna eat and I was just staring at them and talking to my sister about how beautiful Desi people were and how I wanted to marry an Indian man so I can wear a sari too an they were just look at me like
they were really tired of my ass after a while
I took a major l this afternoon
I’m sorry
I’ll g back anyways because I have a friend in the program at the school I want to go to and she says the classes are actually relevant to fashion
I just have to make it through a year of science, English and other gen eds at community college
it’s like I wanna stay in college because being a fashion merchandiser would be a dream job for me but I fucking hate being in school
I said it
I was A/B student all throughout primary/high school
and people used to pat me on the head and praise me for being so smart and such a good student but the whole time I fucking hated everything about it
I hated writing essays, going to class, dealing with teachers, and just everything
I flunked out my freshman year of college and I’m not convinced I wanna go back
like I should just go to trade school or join the Marines or get married or something
anything else
I probably won’t ever be rich but one of these days I will be middle class and on that day you won’t be able to tell me shit
I’m talking money to go to a real grocery store and farmers market without having to count every red cent
money to shop in boutiques and department stores (no more cheap mini mall clothes)
I’ll be able to move to a nice neighborhood were niggas jog and there are starbucks
my bank account will have more than .15 cents in there
my den/study space/whatever is almost finished
I don’t have much furniture in there. Like I have a vanity, a bar that I’ve converted to a desk and a beside table but I wish I had like a Fulton or something. I have an old but comfy rechinar in the basement and I have like 18 pillows and 3 blankets I don’t need on my bed. I’ll just get creative with those
idk if anyone out there reads Angela Johnson’s books (Heaven, the First Part Last, Toning the Swept) but I used to love them when I was like 15. The way she writes is just so beautiful. It’s hard to describe but her character are always just brilliant. And she wrote a lot of short novels and I’ve read all of them and one of them is a three part series and I’m on the last 50 pages but I don’t want to finish it because I don’t want their world to end
I’m sad my cousin was the last to graduate in my family for awhile
I’m so damn extra at graduations
they’re always fun because I be the loudest person in the room
yelling like I caught the holy, won the lottery and got front row at Beyonce concert
the guy next to me at my cousin’s graduation got mad at me
I told him he was just mad ain’t nobody but him come to see his kid graduate and our whole family showed up
but alas I have to wait 12 years for my oldest baby cousin to grow up before I can go to another graduation
I was so serious and joyless from the time I was 11 until now
I used to watch the news and read the newspaper over cartoons and I read important books and everyone praised my maturity ad said I was like a little adult and that I would be a great politician or social worker
but now I’m all like “LOL ONE DIRECTION, LOL LITTLE MIX, LOL PRINCESSES, LOL GIRLY PINK PRETTY THINGS, I WANT A CAREER IN FASHION AND A NICE TIARA, FUCK EVERYONE THAT SAYS I’M TOO OLD FOR TOYS”
I still have my serious side because I can’t unlearn what I know about the world (which is a mostly good thing) but now it’s a side and not my personality
it makes me happy and my happiness should come first
I think I shouldn’t have to apologize if I want to take a break from reading up on womanism to play my Zayn doll and dance to Aretha Franklin or if I’d rather cry over Harry Styles instead of arguing with stupid white people on tumblr
sometimes a nigga just needs some chill
